where did you go, my lovely?

where did I go indeed. It’s been a month, I know, since I last spat venom all over my keyboard in a grubby attempt to justify my existence. However, I have a great excuse – I had malaria. The last thirty days have seen me fainting delicately onto a sofa, shot in grainy black and white, with runners mopping my brow and some orange man with a face like a broken chest freezer looming large over me, exposing his scouring-pad chest hair and atomic-ice teeth.

Alternatively, I’ve been busy and couldn’t be jiggered to write. Mr Cameron has been busy putting the N in Cuts and, as a result, my current employer is on its way out – in its current form. Now, because I’m the type of man who would use sick children as a primitive ladder to reach the last lifeboat on a sinking ship, I was one of the first to depart for pastures new. Luckily, given the current economic calamity, I managed to get the first job I applied for, and it sounds like a perfect opportunity to ‘shift up a gear’ and progress the career. So yes – a bit of change, and what with planning a wedding and the perfect honeymoon, it’s just been a bit of a whirlwind.

In fact, no – it’s been a journey. I’m wiping ice-cold tears from my rough-hewn face as we speak. We just need Leona Lewis neighing over the top and we’re done. She’s a dark horse, that one.

So – in the spirit of keeping things cheerful, here are three random things that MAKE ME SMILE. They WARM MY HEART. They stop THE URGES.

  • Easily LED


I have grown weary of not being able to see every single wiry hair on Lord Alan Sugar’s disappointed scrotum of a face. Thus, after spending 10 minutes in Dixons being ignored by the unusually inattentive teenage weekend staff – who normally leap on you the very second you step over the threshold like you’re holding the cure to their detestable acne – we left for Comet and were immediately sold this beauty. Never before has such beauty graced our home. We tuned it into The Cube in High Definition on Sunday and the brilliant white of Philip Schofield’s hair toasted my cheese sandwich as I ate, slackjawed.

I know it’s shallow to rave about such things but I CARE NOT – it even turns itself off if it detects no activity in the room for more than 30 seconds, which could be handy for when I lapse into a diabetic coma watching the last episode of The X-Factor.

  • Saw 3D

I love the Saw movies. I know they’re unequivocally shit in terms of class, film-making, plot direction and morals, but still, I can watch old arse-gob Hoffman dispatching people through hilariously over-the-top methods all day long. Me and The Significant Other went to see it on opening night at the new IMAX Odeon. Now, I like the cinema, and I enjoy the perks of premium tickets – but really? A silver platter of Quality Street? I was completely thrown by this bizarre dichotomy – it’s like serving the Queen a Rustlers burger, or using quail legs to scratch your bumhole. Quality Street should be served in a tin full of wrappers, the chocolate guide no-one reads and a few nut shells. A silver platter should be used to hand me my change and then promptly withdrawn when I ‘forget’ to tip. The movie was excellent mind, with a superb twist at the end.

  • I have seen the light when it comes to N-Dubz

Yes, finally. I don’t know what came over me, but I didn’t half go through a stage of nodding appreciatively at N-Dubz songs like the middle-class, grime-hating tosser that I am. For fucks sake. I wouldn’t mind so much if every video they ever do didn’t have the little one (the one who wears that stupid hat, which bunches up at the top, and looks like a penis with a very droopy foreskin) prancing about like he’s dancing on hot coals. As I punt from the Cambridge end, I can’t comment on how hot Tulisa is, but I can almost guarantee that at some point she’s had to think about whether to put her chips down during a bus-stop scuttle.

HOWEVER, I still like Professor Green. Yeah, I know. He’s just as bad. All that posturing and elongating every last wuuuuuuuurd. But…hmm. His duet with Lily Allen isn’t half bad – and it shows that Lily can at least carry a note.

  • Melt that LAAAARD

Diet isn’t going too bad, though I appreciate that I haven’t updated the Fat Tracker on the side for a while. However, me, Juuuuuuurdie and now The Significant Other are continuing to go to Slimming World. Three new girls have joined, and I’m sorry, but if you had to describe a chav, you’d have these three panting and sweating at the exertion of appearing in your thought bubble. I can say they are girls with absolute confidence given they always sit opposite me with their legs akimbo – every meaty detail pressed against their skin-tight like six fleshy snakes fighting under linoleum.

I have lost a further 8lb – albeit over 6 weeks – so I’m a bit behind schedule. However, I’ll switch to the alternative Slimming World diet of smack and laxatives if all else fails. Come hell or high water, I’m going to be breezing around Disney on a Segway like the camp robot from Lost in Space – see below.

Lost in Space


Juuuuuuurdie hasn’t been doing too badly, and I have decided to keep a video diary of her weight loss to motivate her. Sadly, as you can see from this video, our Slimming World instructor – Sarah – doesn’t seem to want Juuuuurdie (using her police given pseudonym, Joe Blackburn – manly name for a manly woman)  in the class anymore. I’ll keep you updated.

And that’s it. I’m back baby. Might not be as regular in the future, but subscribe if you have enjoyed what you have read. If you haven’t enjoyed it, then I promise not to cut myself if you tell me. It’s not that type of blog.


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