the fuck-it list

ahahahah FUCK IT list. Sounds like bucket list, but just that little bit more controversial. Gosh, it’s been so long, hasn’t it? Looking back at the last post, I was busy foaming at the mouth neight months ago. Well, as I’m not one to drag out the tension, here’s the new status quo:

  • I’m still hilariously obese. I prefer hilariously to morbidly because morbidly obese conjures up the images of those horrid amorphous blobs in America who get attached to settees and can’t wipe their own bum without a three man team and a scaffolding tower. I’m not that bad, although I DID pass the Big and Tall Man shopand found myself thinking that I could get away with a lumberjack shirt if only I was a lesbian.
  • I’m now married. Yes, the other half did the decent thing and made me an honest man out of me. Don’t worry, I didn’t have the nerve to wear white. Not that I was a slut before I met Paul, mind you. Partner count never went into triple figures and I can still make a noise when I fart. However, because of my sausage-esque fingers, I had to get my ring let out. Is that a wedding first? Even the jeweller looked disdainfully at me whilst he got the ‘special’ sizing rings. Bastard.
  • I’m now UNEMPLOYED. Yes. I left my previous job thinking that the security of a new job was more important than the paltry redundancy money offered. However, a day into my new job, I was told there would be big old cuts, and that my job role was going to be minimal. Super. They cheerfully gave me a decent redundancy package and I was on my way, again, with only the happy memories of the lovely people I worked with to provide me comfort.

So, unemployment. Given how difficult the job market is, I’m obviously a bit worried, but I’m not going to let it faze me. I’ve decided to take a mini-sabbatical anyway and get a few things nailed down that I’ve wanted to do but never had the time, which I’ll cover momentarily. Being unemployed and doing nothing would not sit well with me, not least because I don’t actually own a shellsuit, nor do I have a pram so full of black and white children that it looks like a barcode for 20 Lambert and Butler if viewed from above. No, I’ve long mocked the unemployed for their trampoline-filled gardens and slackjawed expressions, but now I am one…so, to stop myself falling into the above categories, here is my ten point ‘Fuck It’ list for the next three months:

  1. Appear on TV – something I’ve always fancied, though preferably in a positive capacity – I don’t want to be arrested for lewd conduct or something tawdry, and advertisers, if you’re listening, just because I’m unemployed does not mean I’ll star in a Brighthouse advert. I’ve got my dignity, plus my own set of teeth.
  2. Write more – yes, it’s a cliché, but I do love to write, whether it is a blog-post, complaint letter, bit of fiction or a videogame review. I need to express myself, and as Lady Gaga has already got the ‘bloke wearing a meat dress’ thing down, I need to find something else.
  3. Grow my hair – I’ve had the same Richard O’Brian / Jade Goody / Gail Porter look for over three years, and I’m sick of old ladies clutching their handbags close to their chests when I pass them of an evening. I’m not a thug, I’m just not gay enough for hair clay. However, in the spirit of trying new things, I shall let it grow. Not to the extent I had my hair a few years ago, when I had long black hair and looked like a fat, camp version of Snape from the Potter movies.
  4. Learn to drive. Ooh, this is a depressing one this. Paul and I want to be able to gallivant of a weekend, and having a car would assist this greatly. Having decided to learn to drive, I requested a copy of the provisional photocard licence I originally set up when I was 17. The photo on the card is me, but nine years ago. I look so fresh-faced and innocent (I wasn’t), and there’s so much I could tell young me.
  5. Speaking of Yung Mi, it’s out with the takeaways and in with the fucking baked beans again as I need to lose weight, especially if I’m to get on the television (preferably not on Supersize vs Superskinny, where gigantic-faced Dr Christian ‘Gay’ Jennsen showsmy weekly food intake in one of those giant tubes – I always think the fattie’s tube looks delicious – am I doing this wrong?). So today, I joined a gym, and I know enough about my diet to lose weight. I did consider taking Alli, the weight loss tablet, but apparently it makes you shit hot grease, and I don’t want to leave skidders when I’m sat in the Job Centre looking disdainfully at the shaking masses.
  6. Finally, find a job. However, I’m not going to rush into the very first job I can find. Paul and I are lucky in that we have no debts nor major outgoings, and can afford to take some time out. But a job doing what though? I’m not sure. All my working life I have been doing stuff for someone else, perhaps it is time to find a job where I can be a) creative and b) wear super-gay bright trainers. I’m hoping that something will come along and take my fancy, but we shall just wait and see.

That’s my list for the next three months. Hopefully, I’ll get there.

PS: I still think Simon Cowell is a wardrobe-sized vagina.

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    • Bennett
    • May 4th, 2011

    Yay you’re back…it’s been a looooong time since I snorted cola out me nose whilst reading your blog…notice the word cola used…!
    Write more…!

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