introducing – the big gay honeymoon diary – Day 1 & Day 2

I did say I would write more, so here we are! I kept notes on my honeymoon in a scribble-book about what we did, and every now and then, I’ve been typing them up in order to make a hardback book as a keepsake for me and the other half. It’s full of nonsense but then, what do you expect from four weeks in America! I hope you enjoy.

Day 1 (Flight Day) and Day 2 (The Magic Kingdom)

Woke up in the salubrious location that is the Gatwick Hilton, drowning in beige and polyester sheets. Luckily, we had the VROOM booked and had done Twilight Check-In the night before, so it was just a case of completing the 4 Ss and we were off, mincing for all our worth down to the VROOM. Now, it was raining quite heavily and a bit windy – and as I’m not the best flyer, I was nipping each seat I sat on, but having the VROOM helped – I was able to console myself with Eggs Benedict and a good dose of bigotry via the free Daily Mail. After being horrified by asylum seekers eating Princess Diana or some such malarkey, the time came to board the flight.

We had decided to fly Premium Economy both ways this time – partly because we didn’t want to blow too much on Upper Class but also because we can’t get in and out of economy seats with any dignity – it’s like watching an elephant scratching its bum on a tree. So, upstairs we went, and that’s when we got our first surprise – I knew we had been moved to different seats to those which we had booked but I hadn’t realised exactly how good the seats were – right at the front, behind the cockpit, with no-one in front and tonnes of legroom. A perfect start to the honeymoon – not only would we arrive first but I could also step into the cockpit and play hero should the situation arise. A glass of champagne and a lot of hand-squeezing later and we were in the air, climbing away from the unrelenting grimness of Gatwick and towards Florida!

There isn’t too much to say about the flight except to say it was wonderful – almost no turbulence to speak of and good food (I had risotto, Paul had Something and Mash), plus plentiful drinks and attentive service from the onboard staff. I think it may have had something on our booking about it being our honeymoon and that’s why we got bumped into the best seats available – and if that was the case, I’m very grateful, as it really made a difference. We worked our way through a couple of episodes of The Middle and The Amazing Race, watched The Social Network and dozed.

Paul snoozing in that masculine way of his.

My dinner on the plane.

Six or so hours in, the view from the plane. Never had much cloud and everything down below was snow and ice. Beautiful views.

Oh – there was one problem – we had a proper sour-faced old cow sat across the aisle from us. What ticked me off was that she was complaining because she had been moved up into Premium Economy, which seemed a bit remiss. Ah well. I said good morning to her and mentioned how good the seats were only to be met with a granite stare and nothing else. I really can’t bear bad manners like that, so Paul and I spent the rest of the flight silently breaking wind near her every time we went to the toilet. No wonder her face looked like she had seen her bum and didn’t like the colour of it when she got off.

Crack a smile!

Touched down slightly early, straight into immigration where they have done away with the individual lanes and now just have a snaking line of misery. Got through pretty quick but if you’re reading this, make sure you take a bottle of water off the plane or something for the kids as it is boiling in there. Our officer was very kind, asked if we were brothers (we get that quite a lot, and I don’t even have a Norfolk accent) and waved us through. Moments later, we were sharing a taxi with another English couple who, I’m sorry, looked very unpleasant. He was all red shoulders (sunburnt BEFORE you go on holiday – when it has been snowing for about forty months – is impressively common) and tattoos, including one of a completely naked woman over his shoulder with her veejayjay showing. They were swiftly dropped off at Port Orleans or some such place and we were deposited at Disney’s Polynesian Resort.

Well – oh my. It is just beautiful. We were checked in immediately, giving those flowery neck-things whose name escapes me, and told we had been upgraded into a better room. Well – I did ask. As astonishingly arrogant as this sounds, I do think I have the gift of the gab when it comes to getting upgraded – the key is in being subtle, polite, using their name and asking nicely. Anyway, we had a lagoon view room, which we crashed into, undressed, and got the honeymoon off to a raunchy, sexy start.

By sleeping.

Until 5.30am the next day, at which point we shot out of bed (what can I say, it had been a while), got dressed, and day two commenced.

Day Two – Magic Kingdom XXL

Second day, we had made a mistake. We did the silly thing before we set off and bought our suncream from Wilkinsons. However, it didn’t just stop us burning, it turned us a lovely shade of blue. No amount of rinsing, washing, scrubbing or sanding would shift the blue tint, so we spent the first few days looking like slightly gay Smurfs. Nice.

After making our faux-pas and hurtling out of bed so early, we spent an hour or so walking around the Polynesian grounds, taking some photos, seeing what was about. I have included a few pictures here but as you can see, my camera isn’t great so I apologise for the dumpy quality. We had a quick breakfast at Captain Cooks, the onsite counter service restaurant, which was actually very god throughout our stay – I recommend their salads! After a couple of poses on the hammocks on the beach to watch the sky turn blue, we were off to the Magic Kingdom, albeit somewhat early.

Poly at dawn.

Now, I confess, the last time we were at Disney, we absolutely hated it. Stayed in an awful resort (All Stars Movies), thought the food was dire, and had a tiny budget. This time round however, the ‘Magic’ got us, and being at the Magic Kingdom when it opened was a great experience. We bought a few souveniers in the shops and got them sent back to the Poly (another excellent service about staying on site), including a really quite lovely jacket for $80 which celebrates the 40 years of Disney. They dropped the ropes and we were straight onto Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, where we screamed all the way round – not because it’s a scary or exciting ride, it isn’t – but just because we could! Cathartic and good times. Straight onto The Haunted Mansion which isn’t at all like I remember it – I wonder if it has changed? I was gutted to find Splash Mountain is shut for cleaning all January, but what can you do? Wandered around taking in (and dropping off) Pooh and Indy 500. That was great fun, if only because I got to take Paul from the rear and enact some revenge for making me drag the broken suitcase all the way down from Newcastle. Oh, there was a slightly unfortunate incident with this cast member who was trying to shout the instructions to this poor bloke in one of the cars. He wasn’t having much success. Now – I could immediately see why – the guy in the car lacked ears. It was a peculiar thing – like someone had just sliced off his ears. Anyway, unusually for Disney, the cast member didn’t seem to grasp it, and just kept on shouting. Poor guy, I’ve never heard such fierce instruction for ‘don’t bump into the car in front’.

Mind you, neither had he.

Moving on, we tackled Tomorrowland next, which I love. Almost walked onto Space Mountain, which I had remembered as quite a lacklustre ride, but I’m not sure if I had a different seat or something because when I came off, I was most bemused – it was super-jolty and quick! Loved it, so straight back onto it. Now, I am pleased to report that we upheld our tradition of ‘Look As Miserable As Possible On Ride Photos’ – give it a try yourselves, simply put on a sulky / miserable face whenever you know there is a camera coming up. I dread to think how many little kids have proudly shown off their ride photos to friends only for them to point out the rather fey looking Mitchell Brothers pouting into the camera behind them. Mahaha.

Next onto the Astro Orbiter. Now, Paul and I made a rookie mistake here by saying we were riding together, and once we had taken the lift up to the loading platform, we were told to get into a rocket together. Not going to happen. Paul and I are built for comfort, not for speed, and there was no way we were fitting into a rocket together. So we came to an amicable compromise – Paul took photos of me looking masculine as I screamed round above Tomorrowland. Score!

I make it look so manly!

Next the TTA for a bit of a kiss and cuddle in the dark, then into Monsters Inc Laugh Floor. If you haven’t done this, get it onto your next trip to the Magic Kingdom, because it is brilliant, and Paul got put up on the big screen with the caption ‘Can Burp the Alphabet’. Little do they know he can order a Chinese Takeaway by farting down the phone, too.

Obligatory MK shot!

Lunch was next, and we picked a good time for our reservation at the Park Plaza because most people were out gawping at the bright colours in the parade. I had a vegetarian sandwich (not because I’m veggie – I’m not – I was just trying to bulk out to prevent the Florida Belly I always suffer from) (nice eh!) and Paul followed suit with a club sandwich. Good lad. Food was delicious, waiter was tipped handsomely and we decided to call it a day and got the resort boat back to the Polynesian, where after a quick nap, we hired a 21’ boat and took it out onto the lagoon.

Alan Carr is AT THE WHEEL.

The last time I was at Disney, I proposed to Paul on one of these boats out on the lake, and it was a nice, albeit quite slow, trip down memory lane. We meandered slowly past the Grand Floridian, pas the Contemporary and back round, but, somewhat aggrieved by the lack of speed, we made our way back to shore with the promise that we would hire faster boats later in the week. It was a lovely, warm dusk – and I’m afraid to say we didn’t even eat out that evening because we went straight to early bed.

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