the big gay honeymoon diary – day 3 – you ANIMALS

Day 3 now – if you’re enjoying this, leave a comment!

Day 3 – you ANIMALS

January 8th marks a very special occasion – Paul’s birthday. My happy little butterbean turned 25 and boy, did he like telling me it was his birthday and that, as a result, I had to do anything he wanted.


So, after we had done his idea of anything, and I had spent twenty minutes crying in the shower like that guy in The Crying Game, we set off early to catch a bus to the Animal Kingdom. I confess I made a boob out of myself by asking Kevin from Florida – the bellboy – how to get to the Animal Kingdom so early in the morning. When he pointed out I would need to go from the Transport and Ticketing Centre, I asked him to call me a taxi.

It was only then that he pointed out the TTC was ne’ry a hop, skip and a flounce from the Polynesian, and we were there in no time, anxiously waiting for a bus and doing that thing that EVERYONE does of trying to count how many people were waiting ahead of me and worrying whether I would get a seat accordingly. Once Paul had reassured me that there would be more than four seats on the bus and that the sole couple waiting ahead of us posed no threat, we were gaily on our way.

But – oh no. The bus took bloomin’ ages due to the marathon taking place over the weekend, meaning the roads were blocked with sweaty, heaving bodies all panting their way around Disney. I could see from the bus that it wasn’t my scene and turned away from the window to concentrate on ‘not noticing’ the elderly-ish person who had got on at Animal Kingdom Lodge, or whatever, and who could have taken my seat. Now, you probably think I’m being ignorant in not offering my seat, but she shot Paul and me such a look when she noticed our just married badges that I took great pleasure in making her varicose veins throb a little. Shame.

Having turned up at Animal Kingdom nice and early, we were almost at the front of the queue to be let in.

Me and Paul working the crowds

They have some fantastic Christmas trees still up at Disney – here is one, badly taken by me with my School of Michael J Fox Photography skills.

Blur Baby Blur

Then we were off, doing the half-running half-remaining-nonchalent dance that everyone does to try and get to the good rides without looking over-keen. So British. Luckily, we arrived at Everest in enough time to bang our way to the front and get on the first ‘train’ of the day.

I bloody love Everest. I think it is one of the best rides at Disney – not for the fact it is scary, or especially fast, but just how clever the theming is. We’ll often forego the fastpass queue just to get a good look at all the little details in the queue, and to crack the obligatory ‘scat’ jokes when we get near the front. Juvenile but fun. I think we managed to do Everest five times over, just rolling straight back into the queue each time. Best place to sit on Everest? The middle. Too near the front and you’re almost down the hill before any speed, and too near the back and it’s over all too soon. That’s never good on a honeymoon.

Here is Expedition Everest – when it goes dark, you’re going backwards. GASP.

Yeti done, we followed a hot-tip and went to do the safari, knowing that most animals would be active first thing in the morning. Too right they were! We got lots of good photos of animals but to be honest, I can’t think of anything more boring than looking at other people’s photos of animals so I’ll spare you lot.

OK, have one.

It was drinking from the lake, sweet.

Highlight of the safari, apart from Nelson Mandela clearly doing the voice of the poacher-watch person? Easy. The guide told us to look to the left where we would see ostriches up-close. Too right we did – there was one about 5 foot from the vehicle, who promptly turned and plopped out its breakfast right in front of us. Charming. Thing is, without being too crude, it looked exactly like the white gravy that they serve with the ‘biscuits’ over here, and that’s scarred me for life. That, and being so close to an ostrich’s bumhole that I could have reached over and used it to moisten my stamps for the postcards home.

Safari done, Nelson Mandela happy and crummy animatronic elephant saved, we hustled over to Dinoland, where we enjoyed a frozen lemonade so sour that my mouth looked exactly like the aforementioned ostrich. They are good though – probably my vice when out in the parks. Still healthy-ish though – they’ve got lemons in, like a gin and tonic or a cheesecake.

I love this picture. Cheeky face or what.

Queued for Primeval Whirl which I really enjoyed, save for the fact that, somewhat cruelly, Paul and I were crammed in with another couple. Now, as a foursome, we were packing a lot of weight, and it must have looked like when you cram all your rubbish down in the kitchen bin instead of emptying it because there wasn’t a jot of space. I had visions of us spinning to our death, hurtling off the corner of the clearly too narrow track and rolling straight into the lake, to be killed by a band of cruel-faced, defecating ostriches. It didn’t happen. In fact, I can’t even recall going back in time like the ride says.

Once they had brought the block and tackle round to hoist Paul and I out of the ride, we were straight onto DinoSOAR or whatever the dark ride is. Annoyingly, we were in the queue right behind Brazilia – not some model, but rather the entire capital of Brazil, who were clearly so overcome by the joining of Jaymes and Paul that they were destined to test all the rides that day immediately before we boarded to ensure the safety.

I have to confess, it makes me a little insecure when I see them looking at us and laughing and rolling their Rs. I wish I knew what the Portuguese was for ‘Blue Faced Fat English Couple’.

No mind – after twenty minutes of hearing what Jose said about Maria when she was seeing Carlos who was cheating on her with Luis (I make my own soap opera up in my head when I don’t understand the situation – this one was called Lilt), we were on the ride. Love it! Keep your eyes out for a brilliant piece of acting from Dr Marsh – she’s so damn ghetto-fabulous and stern when she’s giving out the orders.

Next – a quick lunch at the little restaurant in Dinoland – nothing flash, just another veggie sandwich for me and a burger for Paul, who had thrown caution to the wind in his quest to become wider than he is tall. I love him for it, so I encourage it. I’m a secret feeder – I won’t be happy until we have a system of winches just to wash his cankles. The lovely thing was the lady on the tills getting the entire restaurant to sing Happy Birthday to him, and even better – he got a free cookie.

Which I ate. I’m a mean husband.

What next? The Lion King Live, of course. I wasn’t expecting much, as I like to rally against stereotype and thus I’m not a fan of ‘theatre’. However, this was great! Two things stuck out (well, several things stuck out, thanks to the male dancers wearing lycra so tight you could tell they weren’t Jewish) – the guy with the flaming torch who runs through the fire (there was nearly a bush-fire – I had the number for WESH dialled on my phone ready to go) and the little kid who, when asked to make the sound a giraffe makes, replied ‘They don’t make any noises at all’. Thatta girl! Christ, lucky they didn’t ask me to make the sound an ostrich makes – I would have popped a vein straining.

The King Is In

The day was brought to an end with us going round and redoing the various rides, and a bit of shopping – we always buy a t-shirt wherever we go. Some cracking ones this year.

Oh, before we go, we went to the petting zoo. I’m glad we did, we would never, ever get the opportunity to er…pet a goat. Ah well!

Dinner was over the road at the Grand Floridian, and sadly, I forgot to take my camera so there are no pictures. It was just the 1900 Park Fayre, and whilst I enjoyed it (and ordered the gayest drink ever, see below) (picture taken at Ohanas later in the week, but you get the idea) Paul wasn’t too keen on the food, which did seem a little subpar. Guess it’s all about the characters – which we hadn’t realised when we booked the bloomin’ thing. So there’s the two of us, dressed for success, when Cinderella, Rapunzel, Random Disney Token Ethnic Princess #2, Prince Charming and one of the sisters asking us questions. Good lord. I hate stuff like that, it makes me want to die of embarrassment, but I was doing well until I was asked, by Cinderella, what I thought of Prince Charming. Now, bearing in mind I was a bit tipsy, I whispered to her that I thought he was a ‘male skank’. Well it’s true! He’s stringing along several sisters if you believe the story that they put on. Anyway, it was brilliant, because the Disney cast member’s facade fell for a second, and she laughed out loud – made my evening! Remember, they must deal with the same inane comments all the time, so it was a good way to end the evening.

Oh – there was one wrinkle. We received excellent service, and tipped $30 on what would have been a $90 meal. However, we were on the Disney Dining Plan (where you have already paid for your meals), so we were given a receipt to complete, and we put down $30 in the tip bit, as we were enclosing $30 in notes in the wallet. That’s what I thought you had to do, so they had a record of who had left what. Anyway, when I checked when we got back to the room, the waitress had put an extra $30 on our bill (the ‘tip’ I had written down) AND pocketed the $30 I had put in the wallet for her. I was a bit put out by this – fair enough I may have made a mistake and not realised that writing it meant it would be taken, but I felt she could have realised my error and not taken $60! Ah well. Learnt my lesson from there on in. It was only a buffet, she only brought drinks!

Afterwards, we walked back to the Polynesian along the beach, got a quick hot chocolate, and went to bed. That was Paul’s birthday done! His present you say? Poor bugger had nothing to open because I left his present at home! He’s got a brand new phone and I made it up to him by scratching his back with the side of a matchbox, which he enjoys.

The final highlight? Mousekeeping left this on the bed.

They earned their tip this time!

Day four soon! No more typing today though, I’m all out of puff!

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