the big gay honeymoon – day 5 – Magic is Might

Day 5 now, for your viewing pleasure…remember if you’re enjoying these, let me know!

Day 5 – Magic Is Might

Day five rolled around with an unfailing sense of inevitability, and we rolled out of bed at some ungodly hour in order to get to our favourite park – Hollywood Studios – in good time. A quick breakfast at Captain Cooks where I managed to embarrass myself by spitting cold ice-tea all over the place after mistaking it for hot tea – I loathe ice tea, and you know in movies when someone is told something incredulous and spits coffee, that was me. There will be a day when Paul and I can visit a restaurant and not make a tit of ourselves. Here’s something – the Polynesian does a breakfast called ‘Tonga Toast’, and I strongly believe it is the major contributory factor to all of those severely overweight people you see beetling about Disney on an electric wheelchair. You take about a third of a loaf of unsliced bread, remove some of the bread filling, fill it with bananas, brown sugar and cinnamon, then seal it back up. Roll the bread bomb in more brown sugar, and deep fry it. That’s breakfast. Deciding that I’d rather not have an ungainly zip on my chest from having a pacemaker fitted, I declined, and spent most of the breakfast time deriding Paul for choosing it whilst shovelling a cheese and bacon croissant down my gullet. There’s no shame being me.

Uneventful bus trip to Hollywood Studios, we arrived at 8am, for park opening at 9am. Now, at Magic Kingdom, you can wander around the shops and allow Disney to pilfer through your wallet at least an hour before opening, but no such luck at Hollywood Studios, though I think that had more to do with the marathon that was running through the park early in the morning. So, we waited an hour, right at the front, being jostled hither and thither by gangs and pushchairs, until tada – the gates open. And good lord, you would have thougt they had announced free pastries for all by the way the chunky fuckers ran to Toy Story Mania to get fastpasses. I don’t get it myself – it’s good alright, but really it’s nothing that Men in Black or Buzz doesn’t do. Nevertheless, it was also our first port of call, and we received a fastpass ticket for 9.45am.

Best part of all this? Imagine the huffing, puffing and moaning coming from the crowds who had to wait to be allowed to cross the path of the marathon? I’ve never seen so much indignation. Quite a few families just ran across the path of the runners, who had been running for 24 miles previous – imagine getting that far only to trip over some Cheeto-faced toddler being pushed in a hire-stroller. Genius.

Hee. This made me smile.

Toy Story fastpass allocated, off we waddled to the best two rides in the park, after Paul and I naturally – Hollywood Tower of Terror and Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster (featuring Aerosmith). The queue for both rides was negligible but as we hadn’t done a proper rollercoaster yet, we bundled ourselves into RnR. Sadly, we were placed right at the front, which is never fun on a rollercoaster, and the whole ride seemed a little…slow? Still love that launch though – 0 to 60mph in 2 seconds. Having a fat, squidgy face means it all pulls back when I shoot through the ride photo and I look like I’ve had a stroke, which is never fun.

Outside: terror.

Inside: Cher’s bedroom

The ride itself is still marvellous despite its apparent slowdown, but I wish they would move the fastpass queue so that you went straight to the boarding hall, rather than having to endure Aerosmith’s acting every time? Worst line – listen out for ‘Grab my black Les Paul guitar’. It’s all I can do not to jam my fingers so far into my ears that I could pick my nose from the inside. It doesn’t help that all four of them look like sub-par transvestites.

Our thirst for speed and thrills slightly abated, we were straight onto Tower of Terror, where, as you all know, you’re strapped into a lift cart and flung 13 stories into the air, for a random fall immediately afterwards. We adore this ride, partly because it changes every time and the theming is absolutely incredible. To think they have built a hotel lobby, library and boiler room that looks exactly how you woud imagine a 1920’s deserted hotel to look is just marvellous. Of course, the scariest moment would come after the ride itself…

…when, I tried to buy a t-shirt. Jesus. I think we must have encountered the rudest, most unhelpful member of Disney yet – Vanna. Apparently, I needed to show my passport to buy a t-shirt on my room key. I explained that I didn’t have any ID as the whole point of carrying the key card was that you don’t have to fart on with money and the like. But nope, she got a proper cob on. ‘You need to carry ID, YOU know that living in America’. When I explained I was from the UK, she continued ranting, saying that I still needed ID. This continued, but I noticed all the while that she was packing my shirt away anyway, so I just continued letting her rant at me. To be fair to her, I think the wheel was spinning but the hamster had died a long time ago, because she had weird, distant eyes, and a bit of shoulder-bite about her. Got my shirt, and after wiping off the spittle, Paul and I spent a good hour alternating between the two scary rides.

Then – abrupt halt! Heart pains ahoy. I have an irregular heartbeat and it started kicking off something rotten – so we called it a day there and then. I have an irregular heartbeat and probably shouldn’t overdo the g-forces, but I like to rally against these things. If I ever get a false leg, I’m going on the fastest rollercoaster I can find purely because I think it look hilarious flying off across the park whilst I barrelled through a loop. I felt terrible, but didn’t want to chance having Vanna giving me mouth to mouth and telling me she was my number one fan, so we hotfooted it (well, walked slowly, lest I keeled over) to the bus for the Polynesian. After sitting for a while, I felt much better, and we decided to take lunch at the Contemporary.

Now, I bloody hate the building style but wanted to have a nose at Bay Lake Tower, the new DVC building. We always get asked about joining the Disney Vacation Club, I just reply saying I’m bankrupt and they back off – try it, it works. I might add I’m not bankrupt. It looks lovely, but I would hate to look at the window and see the Contemporary Resort upclose – it reminds me of the Get Carter carpark.

A Contemporary View.

The café was perfectly adequate, usual Disney fare with the addition of a ‘Dirt and Worms’ cupcake, which was…odd. Our eyes were drawn to the arcade though, and in particular, the Deal or No Deal game. Essentially a collection of big coloured buttons, it doesn’t half suck you in as you try and win some tokens to go towards that 59p Slinky toy you’ve always wanted. Now, some people get more carried away than others…

Deal…or no deal?

No frickin’ deal!

…arcade done, it was back to the Polynesian for a swim in the pool. A charming pool and exceptionally quiet, my only fault would be the fact it doesn’t have a deep enough deep end – what’s with American pools having a deep end of 6ft? I’m a big lad, and I can’t do my ‘emerging from the water scene from Platoon’ impression if the water isn’t deep enough. Plus, deep water hides all manner of dirty sins. I did find a lovely warm heat jet, and without giving too much away, when Paul asked me to go get him a towel, I had to swim to the cool end of the pool first. It was empty, I stress.

The final activity of the day was hiring the little Sea Raycer boats to go careering around the lagoon. We love them, it means we get to pretend we’re in Baywatch or something similar (let’s be fair, both Paul and I have the correct sized bitch-titties to pull that illusion off) and we spent a good thirty minutes chasing each other about and creating big old waves to crest over. Being heavy-set, the tip of my boat wasn’t half sticking up in the air, to the extent that it made a great slapping sound whenever it hit a big wave. Then, I lost Paul. He disappeated, nowhere to be seen. I coasted about a bit, then I heard the siren of Lake Patrol. Nipped around the corner, and there he is, engine off, being told off by Lake Patrol.

I wish I could say I was a supportive boyfriend, but I was paying for the boats so I wanted to get use out of them, so I throttled back up.

Once Paul had caught up, and I faked not seeing him in trouble (oops!), he explained what had happened. Paul being Paul, he’s never happy just doing what he was supposed to, and wanted to flip the boat into reverse to see if he could make it back in reverse. But no, the boat’s engine cut out, and there he was drifting. This wouldn’t have been so bad except the Magic Kingdom ferry was heading straight for him, and, according to Lake Patrol, ‘THEY CAN’T STOP’.

Yeah yeah. Paul had to be towed out of the way and was left with a flea in his ear after being told that if he misbehaved anymore, he’d be sent back to shore. Poor lamb. I explained that I hadn’t seen him because of the sun in my eyes and totally got away with it. Er, sorry Paul.

After boats, we travelled over to the Swan and Dolphin hotel to have a go on the crazy-golf course there. I LOVE this. A couple of quick photos for you:

I know it’s crass, but SOMEONE needs a super-heavy.

The Mouse itself.

I won, again. The only thing Paul has ever won is my heart. After golf, we rushed back to the Magic Kingdom to watch the fireworks up close. And oh my, I had forgotten how bad the bloomin’ Wishes song was. The fireworks were amazing – as ever – and we managed to squeeze onto the teacups afterwards so all in all, a good day.

The rest of the evening was spent watching TV and taking it easy – so nothing much more to add! Apologies if this isn’t a laugh-a-minute recap, but it was a quiet day!

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