Posts Tagged ‘ helen milligan ’

freshly squeezed apprentice bile? that’ll be £4, reduced to 50p

oooh, I love me some Apprentice. About the only show on BBC ONE where you’ll ever get someone saying ‘You should be proud to be an accountant’, which to me is on par with saying to Peter Sutcliffe ‘at least you still have your HGV licence’. Initial thoughts? A good start, but missing a few Apprentice staples – there were no immediate baddies, the glorious HD-shots of Laaahndaahn have been cut to the quick and old Sugartits himself still looks like an angry walnut who has been rolled in barber floor droppings. All the better for a black suit though.

I still miss Margaret Mountford, the only woman after Deborah Meaden from Dragons Den who could kill a man at a glance. Karren Brady is alright, and of course Nick’s always good for a laugh, but when Karren and Nick rock up at the candidate’s house looking like the world’s most elegant TV Licence Fraud Investigators, you can’t help but feel a pang for what came before. Still, let’s not dwell.

Not much point in discussing the episode as not a great lot happened – they bought some fruits, chopped it, sold it, and Team Venture (the ladies) won. Their reward? A bottle of cava, a few balloons on the door and the chance to sit outside on the patio with a few church candles and two-hundred hours worth of bitching to unload. The boys, ‘Team Logic’, lost due to a few poor decisions by the inept project manager, Edward Hunter, whose only stand-out feature to me were his cauliflower-lips. Meh. The original plan was for the team to be called ‘Team Ability’, but I think they realised it would be too easy for me to add ‘Dis’ in front of it for a cheap joke.

Of course, we all watch it for the bitching, so I’ll throw my hat in the ring. I was going to rattle through and make a snide comment about all the contestants, but because there are so many at the moment (16, if I can count correctly – the shot of them all walking over London Millennium Footbridge looks like an advert for a M&S ‘Business Bitch’ Clothing Range advert) I’ll just stick to those I remember.

Leon Doyle – the young guy who looked like the bastard offspring of Mr Bean and Piers Morgan. Ineffectual yes, but I he’ll last, get a couple of chances to prove himself, and then be culled near the end.

Melody Hossaini – the PM for the ladies. Could. Not. Bear. Her. I know she’ll be getting edited to be disliked and will probably have a redemption storyline later on, but Jesus H Christ, that voice – every single word drips patronisingly from her immobile lower jaw, like she’s telling off a naughty child whilst trying not to upchuck in its face. I hope she goes and quickly, which means, of course, she’ll be there until the bitter end.

Helen Louise Milligan – she’s from Noocastle, but the only notable thing I spotted about her was that she has a neck that makes her look like Miss Scarlett from Cluedo.

Miss Scarlett from Cluedo

Helen Pet from Noocastle Pet

Vincent Disneur – looks like a mad caricature of a Bond villain with a suitably pompous name to match. His smarminess almost brought me out in hives, so again, he’ll get far. Did enjoy the looks of burning contempt he was getting from the people in the London office he was trying to flog his juice to (hur hur), but I have to say, they were pretty sanctimonious for people who work in YET ANOTHER IDENTIKIT ‘MODERN OFFICE’. Blagh.

Edward Hunter (fired) – well now come on. His management style consisted of hurrying people along and spouting business bullshit. Quite rightly fired, not least because he has a face that you could flip vertically and it would still look the same.

Glenn Ward – enjoyed him, although my first thought upon seeing him was that he was clearly there thanks to the kind souls at the ‘Make a Wish Foundation’, but seemingly not. Spoke lots of sense, but what is going on with his ear?

Seriously, is there another ear trying to fight its way out?

And finally, Lord Sugar. Aside from the fact he’s trying to shoehorn the word bleddy into every sentence now (we get it, you’re still a Cockernee, just er…a really wealthy one who doesn’t live in London) and he STILL can’t pronounce résumé correctly (just say see-vee Al, much easier), he’s still good for the odd comment. Can’t get past his dislike of business-patter whilst he rattles off the same tired speech at the start of every episode, mind.

Still, I certainly wouldn’t like to be on the end of his finger. Tomorrow’s episode should be fun – it’s all about technology, baby. Let’s just hope they’re not using an Amstrad Emailer in the task – I couldn’t bear to see Alan’s sweet testicle face obscured by an advert for London Buses and a bill for £1.50 for the privilege.

Goodnight.

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